Chascot and the Sacred Goolies


  Alexander Wightman


All characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.


   Chap 1


Dad's friend Toby said the British Empire was created by superior weaponry. In fact it was all down to one particular weapon of mass destruction--the British battle-axe. Brutal in the extreme, nothing could withstand their terrible abuse. These fearful creations varied little over the centuries and in the main could only be distinguished from one another by the colour of the hair. Most were grey or Mercedes silver but some later models were tinted iceberg blue. Bristling with aggression and righteous indignation they struck terror into the hearts of trembling natives all around the planet.

            So why did they ultimately fail in their quest for complete world domination? Because ranged against this monstrous regiment was one implacable enemy--brave, resourceful and highly intelligent.


            "Want any odd jobs done missus?" said Billy.

            She fixed him with a gimlet eye.

            "You don't call me missus, you address me as ma'am."

            "You're not me mam," replied Billy bravely and shamed Arf who took one look and slunk off down the drive with his tail between his legs.

            "She's not that sort of mam," I explained to Billy who is a bit educationally challenged. "She's a madam. Its French. Dad's friend Toby said he knew one in Paris."

            Her eyes narrowed to slits and she froze to immobility. She marked me with a gaze that would have petrified Medusa. The silence was broken only by the jangle of the gold bangles trembling with rage on her left arm. After a long pause and with one final look of extreme suspicion she seemed to come to a decision.

            "I am not a mam and I am definitely not a madam and I am to be addressed as ma'am," she rebuked with another stone-killer glare.

            "Well ma'am," I hiccuped. "We are professional lawn cutters and gardeners and very hard working--if you have a ride-on mower. As to our honesty and reliability I think we can safely call on Lady Jane for references in the unlikely event that should be necessary. In fact we have so much work around the district you are very lucky we can fit you in at all. It is just that we need the money for feed for the pigeons--racing mixture is very expensive. And another thing, there aren't any other gardeners for miles around."

            "And who pray is going to do my garden when you are at school?"

            "We can do it at nights and weekends," I replied for both of us as Billy had been turned to stone.

            "And what about your homework?"

            "We are very fast at homework," I assured her. "It only takes a few minutes. We are even faster at homework than we are at cutting lawns with ride-on mowers."

            "And you say Lady Jane can vouch for you both?"

            "Lady Jane thinks the world of us," I replied in all honesty.



Back to Home Page