Chascot and the Sacred Goolies
characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real people
is purely coincidental.
friend Toby said the British Empire was created by superior weaponry. In
fact it was all down to one particular
of mass destruction--the British battle-axe. Brutal in the extreme,
nothing could withstand their terrible abuse. These fearful creations
varied little over the centuries and in the main could only be
distinguished from one another by the colour
of the hair. Most were grey or Mercedes silver but some later models were
tinted iceberg blue. Bristling with aggression and righteous indignation
they struck terror into the hearts of trembling natives all around the
So why did they ultimately
fail in their quest for complete world domination? Because ranged against
this monstrous regiment was one implacable enemy--brave, resourceful and
"Want any odd jobs done missus?" said Billy.
She fixed him with a gimlet
"You don't call me
missus, you address me as ma'am."
"You're not me mam,"
replied Billy bravely and shamed Arf who took one look and slunk off down
the drive with his tail between his legs.
"She's not that sort of
mam," I explained to Billy who is a bit educationally challenged.
"She's a madam. Its French. Dad's friend Toby said he knew one in
Her eyes narrowed to slits and
she froze to immobility. She marked me with a gaze that would have
petrified Medusa. The silence was broken only by the jangle of the gold
bangles trembling with rage on her left arm. After a long pause and with
one final look of extreme suspicion she seemed to come to a decision.
"I am not a mam and I am
definitely not a madam and I am to be addressed as ma'am," she
rebuked with another stone-killer glare.
"Well ma'am," I
hiccuped. "We are professional lawn cutters and gardeners and very
hard working--if you have a ride-on mower. As to our honesty and
reliability I think we can safely call on Lady Jane for references in the
unlikely event that should be necessary. In fact we have so much work
around the district you are very lucky we can fit you in at all. It is
just that we need the money for feed for the pigeons--racing mixture is
very expensive. And another thing, there aren't any other gardeners for
"And who pray is going to
do my garden when you are at school?"
"We can do it at nights
and weekends," I replied for both of us as Billy had been turned to
"And what about your
"We are very fast at
homework," I assured her. "It only takes a few minutes. We are
even faster at homework than we are at cutting lawns with ride-on
"And you say Lady Jane
can vouch for you both?"
"Lady Jane thinks the world of us," I replied in all honesty.